I'm Asking Myself The Same Question!!

I may seem crazy
Or painfully shy
And these scars wouldn't be so hidden
If you would just look me in the eye
I feel alone here and cold here
Though I don't want to die
But the only anesthetic
that makes me feel anything kills inside
I do not want to be afraid
I do not want to die inside just to breathe in

- Cut, Plumb

IS THIS REAL?!

I Wonder Where I Went

Our quiet time,
your beautiful mind,
They're a part of the list.
Things that I miss.
Things like your funny little laugh,
the way you smile or the way we kiss.
What I noticed is this:
I come up with
something new, every single time
that I sit and reminisce.

- Part of the List, Ne-Yo



Three days more, and it's time to bid adieu to 2009. It's been a decade since the second millennium. Of course, I didn't give a hoot about the millennium because I was only 7 then. I didn't even know what a millennium was until I was 10 (I think). I was trying to sleep at 11pm yesterday but failed miserably and ended up sleeping at 3am. I think it was because I drank a bucket-worth of Chinese tea during dinner and drank green tea with lemon before sleeping. I thought it wouldn't affect me because it never did! This is weird, like how I discovered I don't need my night lamp anymore. Part and parcel of growing up, I guess.


This is not working out. I left this page here for half an hour and I've got nothing. I'm actually trying really hard here to remember all the things that has happened this year chronologically. I don't think my inability to recapture the moments is because they're not significant enough. There were a lot of important moments. Nuts. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I wanna move on and not look back anymore? I can't wait for next year, can't wait for school. There's a HUGE problem with my studies which is keeping me from looking forward to school. I'll have to work out eventually. That is alarming.



I've been making great progress with Konserto Terakhir. Finally a school-based novel that has nothing to do with war! The story is predictable and stuff like that but I don't see anything wrong with it being so. We should all stop expecting so much from a school novel. That being said, I'm making no progress with The Lovely Bones. I'll get to it after Konserto Terakhir.


A list for next year (they're not resolutions):

• Continue drinking green tea with lemon every morning.
• Eat oatmeal for breakfast every day except for Fridays and Sundays.
• Buy my much coveted Straightening Spray which doubles as a Heat Protectant from Shins.
• Will buy new shampoo & conditioner, body scrubs, masks and all that.
• Go on a year-end shopping spree around KL with my girls.
• Save my lunch money to achieve the above tasks which requires own money.
• Not to fall asleep everytime I'm at the science lab.
• Not to be obsessive about my hair or looks when I'm at school.
• Look up to the hardworking friends of mine (ie. Audery) and follow suit.
• Always keep in mind that you want to be like one of the women in Lipstick Jungle and work towards it!
• Will pursue a tailoring class.
• Finally, hunt this down:

I've been looking everywhere for this but can't find it. I've never understood why Jessica Simpson is famous but from the moment I smelled the sample from Vogue, I had to have it! The scent is so me. Please, please, please, let me have it.


I will come back to write more, when I'm not so blank. Meanwhile, tell me your not-so-resolute-resolutions.

Thirsty, With A Bottle In Hand

We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas;
We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Good tidings we bring to you and your kin;
Good tidings for Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding;
Oh, bring us a figgy pudding
and a cup of good cheer

- We Wish You A Merry Christmas

I have a lot to say! Let's start:


1. I watched Avatar yesterday at Midvalley, The Gardens. I watched it in 3D and frankly - I think I'd enjoyed it more if I didn't watch it in 3D because I'm not used to it. The visuals were undeniably epic. The storyline was nothing to shout about, but I felt really bad for the Na'Vi people who was under attack by greedy humans that I almost hated being human. Sam Worthington is one hot Aussie export :)


2. I woke up to this a few days ago:


My Mum bought this January 2010 issue for me, and I was really surprised because I used to remember my Mum tsk-ing me about how it's unsuitable for me when I was 13. I'm going to be 17 next year and I think she accepted the fact.



3. I know I've showed you my manicure before but this is different:


It turned out so good that I skipped around the room merrily. I was afraid that I'll smudge it so I sat still with my hands on the table for an hour.



4. I bought The Lovely Bones in exchange for ironing a month worth of my Mum's clothes.


At first, I was thinking that ironing was a small fry job because it is seemingly so, but I'm not too sure now... The movie is coming out next year so I thought I should read the book first. I'm also trying to read the book Konserto Terakhir which is actually under my school's syllabus for next year. Head start, dude, head start.


5. I bought Rihanna's Rated R album:


I swear when I was in the cashier, this little girl and this woman was eyeing the album and I. They must be wondering how the album cover is horrible and suicidal-looking and I must be one sick girl for buying it. I really hate the "Malaysian Edition" thing that's going on. While it's awesome that an album priced at RM45, the price is reduced to RM29.90 but it doesn't come with the lyrics booklet! When I buy my albums, I want the damn booklet! They should have an Official Edition and a Malaysian Edition for us to choose.


6. Finally,



so, I'll stop here and have a merry christmas! Remember that,



and it works for guys as well, naturally.

Ramblings With a Morning Mind

How you choose to express yourself
Its all your own and I can tell
It comes naturally,
it comes naturally
You follow what you feel inside,
It's intuitive, you don't have to try,
It comes naturally,
It comes naturally
And it takes my breath away
What you do, so naturally

- Naturally, Selena Gomez

I'm still in yesterday's clothes, with Vaseline on my lips and lashes. Vaseline works great on healing chapped lips so leave it overnight and see the results! I'm not sure if it can make your lashes longer, maybe it's just a moronic myth that morons do, but I'll tell you if it works. I'll be the moron first :) It's too bad that you can't feel the cheery vibe I'm projecting right now. I woke up at 6.30am today which meant my plan worked! If you're wondering what plan, kindly read the post below.


I've been watching Youtube for the past hour, getting my daily dose before the connection gets constipated. My Dad woke up early and saw me. You woke up early just to use this?, says he. He wasn't mad at all, but he wants to take this laptop away! It's like taking my life away and I'm not exaggerating! I can't blog without the laptop. My Dad is really crazy sometimes. When he doesn't want people using something, he hides it. Like, what little kids do. It's embarrassing to tell you, even. He hid our portable DVD player and now it's nowhere to be found. He hid this laptop once because he doesn't want us using it. He didn't even buy it so he shouldn't bother. He thinks we'll spoil it one day. Sometimes you'd wanna knock his medieval brain out.


On another entirely different note, I hate periods. Don't read this if you don't want to. I wake up in the middle of the night all of a sudden, and the first thing I worry about is if I had stained the mattress. Then I have to trot my sleepy self to the bathroom. And I can only sleep in a particular position, which is with my face up back down. It's so restrictive! Or maybe I'm being too careful. My pelvis area sometimes get bloated, and breakouts come out.


I don't get period pains on my pelvis area -- I've never had them, but I get back pains! Seriously, BACK PAINS. Who gets back pains?! My Mum says it's because I drink too much cold beverages. A word for all the girls out there, please avoid cold beverages when you're having your period. Do as I say and not as I do please (teehee). It's really important, according to my Mum's gynaecologist. One of the reasons why my Mum has cysts is because of her lifestyle.


When I get my period, I don't usually realize that I'm cranky. I thought about it, whether I do or not. And, I think I do! When you see me being unresponsive and weird, blame PMS! Sigh, this is what we girls go through. But, I guess I should be grateful about my normal condition. I've heard that some period gets so painful, the person has to take pills. I can't imagine what a period pain feels like. You can ask me about the period back pains though. I have to be careful of how I sit, sleep, eat for days and I'm much too lazy for all these restrictions. Part and parcel of growing up, a thing we have to endure every month, every year.


Good gosh, why am I talking about PMS, you ask.


I don't know, I just thought of it. Oh, I went back to my paternal Grandma on Sunday for the Winter Solstice celebration. Not many were there, just a few of my uncles and aunt and my 20-year old female cousin. My aunts, cousin and myself were busy talking about hair and body care. I was having difficulties in telling them about a lot of things because my terms are all in English, not Cantonese. But, I now have so much of new information in my pocket. Although I sometimes get annoyed by my relatives' scrutiny, judgement and bluntness, they're still my relatives like how my family is my family.


I'm going to watch Avatar this Thursday and I'm really excited about it, I heard the visuals were amazing. At that, I'll leave you to your thoughts now and have a good day!

Lush, Blush and Flush!

The city that never sleeps
better slip you an Ambien
New York
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There's nothing you can’t do,
Now you're in New York
These streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
Let's hear it for New York, New York, New York

- Empire State of Mind, Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys

I am really thoroughly annoyed with the SPEED OF THE INTERNET. And it doesn't help that I'm feeling groggy even at 5 in the evening with disheveled hair. Everyone is (secretly) impatient, especially when it comes to the Internet. What do us Internet junkies want is a fully functional speed that can keep up with our pace. Nuts, I don’t wanna wait 5 seconds for my page to load. I don’t wanna wait 10 minutes for a Youtube video to load. Is that so hard? Am I reaching for the stars here? Not really! I think I’ve mentioned that I’ve stayed up till the early mornings so I can load all my videos in one go. I should do that but in an entirely different ballpark. I’ll try to sleep early and get up extremely early so I can watch all my videos and read all the blogs I want in peace. Except, I hardly think my parents are going to be too happy about that, but heck − I’m sleeping early so it makes sense. If you and my inner self are thinking that I can never achieve this, think again you and inner me! I will do it for the sake of loading Gossip Girl, beauty videos and movies. Revelation : whenever I sleep late, breakouts start on the chin! Nuts.



On a mission to pwn the God of Internet,
Caely.








UPDATE : Oh, the sidebar's on the left now. It's more natural there for me. Claps for me, for knowing how to do that! :)

Baskin Robbins Ice Cream I Want

With the little white lies.
And the faded picture
Of a beautiful night
You carry me from your car
up the stairs
And I'm broke-down cryin'
Was she worth this mess?,
After everything in that little black dress
After everything, I must confess,
I need you

- The Other Side of the Door, Taylor Swift

I haven't been talking to anyone lately, except for my family. When I log into Messenger, I don't reply to people. I don't reply to comments and I don't comment. Apologies for that :) I'm not a person who broods all the time or someone who lapses into a sudden emo mood. My lack of emo genes don't allow me to do what usual emo people do. In fact, I'm not too fond of the word "emo". Yes, when I think about it now I definitely have a problem with that word. I've been thinking alot these past few days about who I am. I watched an episode of America's Next Top Model the other day and one of the girls kept repeating, "I lost my identity in this competition. I don't know who I am anymore." I was extremely annoyed with her because she slurs when she speaks and she kept repeating the same thing like a broken tape recorder.


One good thing did come out of it is that I got an Aha! moment. I don't think I know who I am anymore. I hope I don't sound like the aforementioned broken tape recorder. Scratch that. I *do* know who I am but I'm tired of all the things I feel. Guilt, being the number one source of emotion tiredness. Lack of discipline as well. I'm someone who doesn't have the discipline to follow what is right. I'm constantly setting these easy goals for myself to do and I fail to achieve it. Time and again, I give my self chances that deep down, I know I'm not going to complete. I lost count of how many times I've told myself that I want to go over my studies during the holidays. What I'm left with is self-pity, anxiousness and disappointment. I've probably made it clear that I hate self-pitifulness, so I try to discard that feeling.


But, the feeling which I want to get rid of is the anxiousness. I have never sat in a test where I don't feel anxious. I don't have the enviable ability to memorize 100% of the contents of my textbook as easily as some of my friends. I don't believe in memorizing anyway and that is why I have to constantly force myself to do it. If you have studied, you can look nervous and all that but I'm *very* sure, inside your heart of hearts, you're as confident as hell. Nuts. I don't like that feeling. I wanna be able to take a test and breeze right through it. I need that. Where do I start?


I've finished wrapping all of next year's school books. Bought it today and vowed to wrap all of them by tonight. I have a thing with protecting things and I love it when they're new and shiny. My Mum was asking me if I wanted to buy anything else, uniforms and such. I said, "Nah, it's my last year." It hits me, next year is the end of high school. Should I be excited? Some people are just dying to get out of their schooling life and to do whatever they want. I doubt the "outside world" is as easy as they think it is and you can never "do whatever you want".


The books signifies how the year's ending and hurrah, another year is here -- albeit a bound-to-be-stressful-and-different year. I've always wanted something more than just new school books and new school shoes in a new school year. I want something more *adventurous* but I know I can never get it.. -____- Now the sound of my fingers drumming into the keyboard is really loud. This sounds ridiculous, but I'm afraid it will somehow wake my parents up. Good gosh, I'm paranoid.


Alright, I vented as much as I could, this is as succint as it can get. It's time for another year. As overused as this line is, I'm still gonna say : It's time for a new adventure! Or maybe I should've saved that line until after high school is over. Nuts, I'm off to Neopets!






Good day and may good things come your way,
Caely.
(it rhymes, wtf)

Whisper Hello To Me

There's always something
In the way
There's always something
Getting through
But it's not me, it's You
Sometime's ignorance, rings true
But hope is not in
What I know
Not in me, it's in You
It's all I know

- You, Switchfoot

I know I rant about my Dad occasionally. You have no idea how many times I've said I hated him and I don't even mind if he's not here with us. Who needs him here, I would say. After that I will always, always feel guilty. Like how I feel guilty about all the horrible things I've thought of other people. It's tiring. This guilt. Why can't we just think something harsh and mean about a person and not feel guilty about it?


I think I was sleeping. The moment when you're still somewhat awake but am on the verge of slipping away to sleep. With my earphones, it was tangled around my neck. Then, I think Dad opened the door. He is always checking on brother and I at night to make sure we're sleeping. If we aren't, he'll pester us about it and we give him the same answer time and again. He pulled my earphones out which I thought was nicely hidden under my comforter. He looked at my air-conditioner's temperature. He brushed my hair out of my forehead. That was when I thought, Okay lah I'm sorry. Then I opened my eyes and all I see was the darkness. Am I blind?! I shifted my head a little and saw the faint green blip on the AC. I turned left and saw the glow-in-the-dark hands of my alarm clock. I'm safe, I'm not blind.



Good gosh. Can you believe it's been four days since I've been out? As of now, I'm taking advantage of the lightning speed the Internet has in the morning, ferociously loading all my Youtube videos (most of them beauty related). I think my legs stopped working. They decided to take the day off apparently after walking tirelessly around Genting. A few hours from now, I will be heading to school to get next year's syllabus for myself and Shan as well. The first step into the next year.



Good night. Or rather, good morning everyone.

I Like To Tell Myself This :

Used to dream bout being a millionaire,
Without a care
But if I'm seeing my dreams
And you aren't there, cause it's over
That just won't be fair, darling
Rather be a poor woman living on the street
No food to eat
Cause I don't want nobody if I have it cry
Cause it's over when you say goodbye

- Doesn't Mean Anything, Alicia Keys

All the things I want now which seem unreachable. I will get them, in time.
All I have to do is wait for that one day.
:)